欧阳昱： 《白纸、黑影》

By Ouyang Yu

 《白纸、黑影》

 

“悲凉，我感到无限的悲凉。心中充满无边无际的黑暗，尽管窗外阳光灿烂，没有一丝光明可以穿透这深的黑暗。心里充满广大的寂寞，尽管周围都是人声笑语（ G 的笑声特别大，特别喧嚣、刺耳，其实，从中已透出掩饰不住的百无聊赖）。没有什么可以驱除这寂寞。我象这束插在漱口缸里的金银花，被人折下委弃在这没有生命的自来水中，苟延残喘，但我不如它，它毕竟蓓蕾开放。我象这张纸下的木桌，默默无言地执行承载书籍的任务，但我不如它，因为它毕竟体会不出那默默无言的感情。我不知道我在干些什么。我在吃饭，米饭，边上是走汽后留下的硬饭粒。我用调羹尖把它一粒粒剔除。饭下面是菜，榨菜炒肉丝，却毫无味道。我不知道我为什么要吃。我昨天吃的是这，今天吃的是这，明天吃的仍将是这。他们可以改变口味，今天吃羊油炒鸡蛋，明天吃猪油蛋花汤，后天吃咸鸭蛋，实质上是一样，都是张开大嘴，露出两排利牙咀嚼，象牛一样咀嚼，象猪一样狂吞。全是为了填满那个永远满足不了的欲望。厌倦了这些，完全厌倦了，都不得不吃，就象我现在这样，张开嘴，汤匙插进泥巴饭里，挖起半匙饭，往嘴里送去，合拢咀唇，运动牙齿和舌头，一挺脖子，喉头滚动一下，饭就下了肚，如此循环往复，以致无穷。我究竟为何生存？如果我活着使自己痛苦，别人不快，那么我的活着又有什么意义？他们都在隔壁或对门亲亲热热地聚在一起吃午饭，看报的看报，谈话的谈话，快活地说笑打趣，没有人走进这间凄凉、荒芜的房间。没人问问这儿是否有一个行将走到毁灭边缘、希望破灭、理想粉碎、生趣全无的人：他怎么样了？没有。即便死了，也不过同那天一样，饭桌上多了一个谈话的题目。朋友间多了一个新的消息。死了又怎么样？难道还指望别人宽恕你，悼念你，哭泣你吗？死了就是死了，对生命之树常绿的世界毫无影响，跟凋零的桃花、玫瑰是一回事。谁愿再瞧一眼落在泥中的花瓣呢？《笑比哭好》，这个电影正是我们时代、我们社会的表面写照。与社会抗争你有什么下场？与人抗争你又有什么下场？与自我抗争充其量不过是自我毁灭的一种形式吧！那就毁灭好了，要想创造新我，就必须彻底毁灭旧我。我是多么丑恶，我是多么卑鄙，我是多么渺小，我是多么无能，我是多么冷酷，我是多么嫉妒，我是多么无知，我是一个彻头彻尾的黑影，恶魔亲手塑造的恶棍。我过去不敢说，有许许多多的心事，连写在纸上锁进箱子也不敢，怕人看见，认出我的本来面目，哈，我有什么可伪装的？人学会各种礼仪道德，不过是给卑劣的灵魂穿上一件漂亮的衣裳罢了。我不喜欢华丽的衣裳，我喜欢赤裸，这就是为什么我和她性交时要她一丝不挂的缘故。我即便不能对人说，但我可以对你，我纯洁无暇的白纸，吐露我的心迹，如果你能替我忠实地保存下来，我将死而无憾。他曾告诉我他描写了自己的过去，详尽的，后来发现太丑恶，便烧了。原来，心灵丑恶的人不止我一个呀。我感到快慰。难道别人不也这样吗？谁不或明或暗地挑伟人的错呢？去发现他跟常人的共同之处呢？其实没什么稀奇，内心猥琐、渺小的人就爱来这一套。”

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